Vice Principal UnOfficed
Join host Lisa Hill, a retired vice principal as she shares her funny, wild, and sometimes woeful public education school stories that will not only leave you feeling like you’re listening to a comedy special, but wondering how the American K12 educational system endures.
Hill is a former teacher, school counselor, college professor, and vice principal who never planned on having a career in education. But, thanks to her father, god rest his soul, she did!
So, listen in as Lisa Hill reveals the crazy and entertaining K12 school antics that she experienced during her lengthly career in public education And who knows? You might just pick up a little nugget of knowledge along the way.
Vice Principal UnOfficed
Extra Duties as Assigned Suck!
Welcome to the debut episode of Vice Principal UnOfficed—a comedy show inspired by host Lisa Hill’s nearly four-decade career as a K-12 educator. Join Vice Principal Hill as she shares the school jobs she trained for—and the downright bizarre ones she never saw coming. This episode sets the stage for the funny, wild, and sometimes woeful school stories to come. Don’t be late for this detention!
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Email me: vpunofficed@gmail.com
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Hello, let me ask you a question what's one experience the majority of people have in common? The answer they went to school. But only an educator can tell you what really happens after the school bell rings. So join me, lisa Hill. I'm a retired vice principal, and I'm going to share my funny, wild and sometimes woeful school stories. That will not only leave you feeling like you're watching a comedy special, but wondering how the American educational system endures and, who knows, you might just pick up a little nugget of knowledge along the way. Attention students I mean listeners the stories in this podcast are told from the host's personal and versical point of view. All names and identifiers have been omitted or altered to protect identities. Now get to class and enjoy the show.
Speaker 1:Hello listeners, welcome to the very first episode of Vice Principal Unauficed, the podcast that shares wacky, wild and sometimes woeful school stories that happened to an educator who finally graduated I mean retired after working in K-12, public schools and private universities for nearly 40 years. Who is this educator, you ask? Well, it's me, your host, lisa Hill. I'm a former teacher, school counselor, college professor and vice principal who never planned on having a career in education but, thanks to my dad God rest his soul. I did, yeah. More on that story later.
Speaker 1:Anyway, the strange and sometimes heartfelt stories you will hear come from my memory bank. I know what you're thinking a person can't remember four decades worth of stuff in detail. Well, I kept some notes, for a diary type thing. Why, you ask. Well, folks, after a few years into my first teaching gig, I couldn't believe some of the things I was experiencing. My college classes definitely did not prepare me for what happens in a real school. I think I should have asked for a refund.
Speaker 1:Of course, my tails won't ever use real names or locations. I mean, even if I didn't totally like working with a person, I still had some respect for them, kind of so tales won't ever use real names or locations. I mean, even if I didn't totally like working with a person, I still had some respect for them, hmm, kinda. So I won't use names and I know that what I'm sharing with you is from my lens. But I gotta tell ya I see my life in scenes like a TV show or movie. I mean, I did grow up watching shows like Bewitched Laverne and Shirley Carol Burnett, the original Saturday Night Live. I just see the humor in what's in front of me. Hell, I laughed out loud the day of my father's funeral, but that's a story for another day. Okay, where was I?
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, I'm calling this first episode of Vice Principal on Office extra duties as assigned suck, though I wanted to call it. Being assigned job duties you weren't hired for is like getting an unexpected bonus, except instead of money you get a whole lot more work, because that's what happens when you take a job as a K-12 educator. But that title is way too long to fit in this little podcast description space, so I just better jump in and tell you a little bit about how my career in education got started. Some of the extra duties I was assigned to do throughout my career and I believe were definitely outside my teaching contract or college training and a little life lesson my career taught me along the way. Don't worry, I won't get too teachery on you, but that teaching shit kind of gets in your system after you do it day in and day out for so long, whether you want it to or not. However, I do want it to be known before I get started that I was nothing like some of those mean and boring teachers and principals you may have encountered when you were a student or have seen in a movie or TV show, you know like that mean principal, miss Trenchbowl in Matilda.
Speaker 1:My school is a model of discipline. Use the rod, beat the child that's my motto and lock her in the chokie. Hey, I tried. Anyway, believe it or not, corporal punishment used to be a thing in public schools. I will never forget my very first faculty meeting. The principal gathered all the teachers up and locked the door to the room we were sitting in. I found this a really weird practice, but I soon learned that the man who loved to be in charge always locked the door so he knew who was late to his stupid meetings. He led with fear which, by the way, is the worst thing any leader, no matter what they're leading a country, a business, an office, a school, a team could do. Don't lead people by using fear. Just don't do it. Why? Because no one is following your arrogant ass. Trust me, I got a PhD in this leadership stuff. Now get this. During that faculty meeting, the teachers were told the law had changed and staff could no longer paddle students for misbehavior. But that arrogant ass of a principal said he was totally okay with teachers continuing to display their paddles in their classroom so that they could scare students into not misbehaving. This was the mid-1980s people, so there was some really twisted thinking when it came to student discipline. As for me, I never purchased a paddle.
Speaker 1:Okay, let's see who else from the movies oh yeah, principal Rooney from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. You remember the guy? He had thinning red, messy hair and a bad mustache and he'd sweat all the time His suits were all sloppy. Bad mustache and he'd sweat all the time. His suits were all sloppy. He would stop at nothing to catch his student, ferris Bueller, breaking some stupid school rule. Tell you what dipshit. If you don't like my policies, you can come down here and smooch my big old white ass. Hey, I'm not the best at impersonations. I was a music major, not a theater major.
Speaker 1:Anyway, as for Principal Rooney, now he's a great role model for children. Come to think of it, principal Rooney reminds me a bit of my old high school vice principal. God rest his soul. The dude used to stand on the second floor of the gym, peering out the window that overlooked the student parking lot with binoculars. The students never knew when Mr Vice Principal was going to play. I spy with my little eye Always pitied the kid who decided to be the dumbass that day. Mr VP always seemed desperate to catch someone in the act of misbehaving and for what I don't know, Maybe he earned points toward his year-end bonus for every kid he threw in detention. Oh, who am I kidding? There's no money bonuses in public education. About all you get rewarded is a donut or a cookie, and that can't cost over $2.99. I'm not kidding, this rule exists, and don't you just love how our government strives to keep K-12 educators ethical.
Speaker 1:Clearly, my impersonations need some practice, so let me give it one more try with Cameron Diaz's character, miss Halsey from Bad Teacher. Oh, now please tell me you've seen Bad Teacher. I mean, the antics in that hour and a half movie about sums up what I witnessed in a 38-year career. Seriously, miss Halsey being a money-hungry, potty-mouthed, pot-smoking teacher yeah, that kind of sums it up. Money hungry, potty mouth, pot smoking teacher yeah, that kind of sums it up. Oh, honey, when I first started teaching, I thought I was doing it all for the right reasons Shorter hours, summers off, no accountability and isn't that why all teachers choose this profession? I have no idea why I gave her a southern accent.
Speaker 1:So unfortunately, there are lazy, crazy, not-so-good people who worm their way into working in a school setting and unfortunately they stay way too long. I once caught a group of middle schoolers walking around the halls, knowing full well they should have been in class. When I asked them what they were doing out of class, they said that the sub fell asleep in the back of the room after a movie started. So they took advantage of the opportunity. You gotta give them an A for effort, and I wasn't mad at them. I mean, kids are only as good as the adults, right? As for the sub, I checked out the kid's story and, yes, the classroom lights were off, a movie was playing and she was asleep in the back of the room. Of course we didn't ask the sub to come back, but she did get a full-time job teaching at a different school.
Speaker 1:As for me, of course there have been many times in my career that I have desperately wanted to behave badly towards some autocratic administrator, terrible teacher, snippy student or problematic parent, or, better yet, I just wanted to crawl under my desk for an afternoon nap, as the bad educators do in movies and sometimes real life. But the whole integrity thing always gets in my way and keeps my dark, twisted thoughts tucked away in some little corner of my brain. Now I want to tell you a little bit about how my career got started and the fun school duties that have been assigned to me, which, by the time I'm done, may leave you asking why in the hell does anyone want to go into education, let alone teaching? Good question, my friends. Good question, good question. You've heard me say that I worked in education for 38 years, which I think is a long career, especially when the job requires you to work with children. When I started teaching, there weren't even any computers in a school. Hell. The world wide web hadn't been invented yet. That's the internet for you, youngsters. And get this. Teachers still smoked in schools. I had a teaching partner who actually smoked in their office. Then again they could also be found napping in their office on this extra wide counter.
Speaker 1:I never slept at school. I thought about it plenty of times, but I never did it. I landed my first job when I was barely 22 years old, just four days before school started. Not a whole lot of band director jobs in the 1980s, if you know what I mean, but not knowing who was more desperate the school, my parents or me. I was elated to have a job. I didn't even think to ask about the salary, I just knew I needed a job. The school needed a band director and my parents needed me to be off their meal ticket. So look out, school cause, here I come. The school paid me $450 once a month for doing something I thought I knew how to do but really wasn't ready for.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I did go to college, and college gave me a diploma and the state gave me a license, but nothing could have prepared me for the real world of teaching children day in and day out, in a system that was run by a bunch of good old boys. Wait what? Yep? Most school administrators were men who were likely former high school coaches. These guys never really succeeded at teaching, so they became school administrators. Watching them try to lead a school was like watching a clique of washed up high school football players who thought they were still cool, even though they never were and still weren't. Not to mention, their idea of leadership was to manage the school from the sidelines. You know what I mean. Yell a few plays, pick on the meek pout when you lose and stay in your office with the door shut, creating new plays without seeking input because you're in charge Whatever assholes.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I didn't realize how sheltered my life had been up until that point. My parents had instilled in me that I could achieve things I set out to do in life. I could remove barriers, find solutions, but once I was out on my own I had to step back for a moment. I was this young, energetic teacher full of ideas and eager to create things that would support my students, but my first principal always pushed back on my ideas and suppressed my work. The idiot would attempt to mansplain why my ideas couldn't happen. I found it hurtful and frustrating as hell. He made me want to quit, but I knew my parents would be disappointed if I threw in the towel so early in my career and, being somewhat competitive, I was determined to stick it out. Despite his dumb ass, would you believe this moron actually had the balls to write my year into evaluation that the dress I wore to graduation was not dressy enough to direct the band. Mind you, there was no frickin' air conditioning and I was the one who was going to have to tear down the equipment after the graduation ceremony was over. It certainly wasn't going to be my teaching partner who smoked and slept in their office during the day, and to think my 20-something sons complain about adulting in today's workforce. They have no idea.
Speaker 1:So before I move on, I want to take a moment to say that I am incredibly thankful for the women who pushed for change before the 1980s. I can't even begin to imagine what they went through. I mean seriously, I never would have survived the early expectations of 19th century teaching as a woman. I mean no dancing, no marrying, attending church, teaching all grade levels, handling all discipline, cleaning the schoolhouse every week, including window washing oh hell, no, I barely cleaned the windows in my own house. Wait, wait. You know what? Come to think of it, my career has been a bit like teaching in the late 1800s. Eh, more on that later. Good lord, education takes forever to change. Anyway, I'm also grateful for the women and men who continue to push for change today. Luckily, I became an adult woman in the 1980s so women could have their own credit card, participate in school sports, work outside the home and obtain an education.
Speaker 1:But being a woman in the 1980s also came with a buttload of sexist comments from every direction. Change happened, but good God needed change is freaking slow. It's like karma, in fact. Who is karma? Where does she live? And, for the love of God, why does it take for freaking ever for karma to show up to teach someone a much-deserved lesson? That bitch always seems to show up quickly if I put my foot in my mouth. But what are you gonna do? Persevere, I guess, which I did.
Speaker 1:As you can see, I saw through the bullshit of the good old boys club very early in my career and figured out how to play their stupid game. And, lucky for me, I was also fortunate to find and marry a wonderful man who has always supported anything I wanted to try. I also became a mother of boys. I can play Power Rangers, kick a football and cheer on WWE like no other. That's entertainment, wrestling for you novices. Of course, my husband and sons also attended concerts with me, watched women's basketball as we cheer on Caitlin Clark, so I guess things do change for the better.
Speaker 1:Now, where was I? Oh yeah, here I am, almost four decades later, loaded with unusual school tales, most of which I witnessed firsthand. Some of my stories will make you laugh or perhaps make you cry, while other stories will leave you scratching your head, saying there is no way that story is true. But, listeners, I kid you not. These stories are true. In fact, I thought about calling this podcast. You Can't Make this Shit Up but I didn't want to get a lecture from my 90-year-old mother, lisa Ann. Sorry, mom, but a lot of shit happens when a person works with children age 5 through 18 for 38 years.
Speaker 1:Because if you think working in a school involves walking into a building and sitting at a desk all day while students shuffle in and out in orderly fashion. Sitting at a desk all day while students shuffle in and out in orderly fashion, think again, folks, think again. Seriously, working with children ain't for the faint of heart. How bad can it be, you ask? Well, while the majority of adults are eating lunch with other adults during their lunch break at work, oh, and probably sitting around a table.
Speaker 1:I did stupid lunch duty at every school I worked at, standing. Yes, I said stupid. Why? Because lunch duty is a very gross and smelly experience at a school. Think about it Herding kids in and out of a cafeteria within 30 minutes so they can eat something warmed up dumped from a box. And healthy kids act my ass. Have you had a school lunch in the past 15 years, yuck. And what's weird is, the healthier school lunches and breakfasts have supposedly become in schools, the worse shape American students have become. What the hell is up with that? Kids were in better shape when school cooks were allowed to actually cook with real salt, sugar and fat. Of course I have my theories on this, but more about that later.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I also did bus duty, hall duty, covered study hall, substituted for teachers, secretaries, custodians, and worked in buildings with no windows or air conditioning. Yes, an even more smelly experience, especially with middle schoolers. Hold on, I know what you might be thinking Most schools were air conditioned before the turn of the century. Well, I hate to tell you, but public schools don't always have the money in their operation budget to keep up with the times, and the business world, which was mostly filled with grown-ass men, have had air conditioned offices since the frickin' 1960s. Even school administrative offices have been air conditioned, but not the classrooms. In fact, there are schools today that do not have air conditioning. I worked in a school in the mid-2000s and I still had no windows, no fan and no air conditioning. Well, I had a fan, but I had to bring it in myself. Regardless, I'm sure I ended up smelling as bad as the middle schoolers.
Speaker 1:Anyway, what else did I do? Oh yeah, I supervised detentions, which happened to be one of the easiest, calmest things I ever did in my career. I also supervised football games, volleyball tournaments, swim meets, musicals yes, I said musicals. Those musical parents can be rowdy when fighting for their front row seat in the auditorium so they can see that Fruit of their Loins, war Roll, a slightly off-key song for the audience. These parents are kind of like those in the Music man. I love that musical. Thank you, meredith Wilson. If you haven't seen the Music man, I'd highly recommend it. Anyway, toward the end of the musical, the band made up of the town's boys attempt to play Beethoven's Minuet in G on their shiny new instruments and they sound awful. But the parents jump up from their seats praising their child, no matter how crummy the performance. School musicals are kinda like that.
Speaker 1:Ugh, and I can't forget school dance supervision, ugh, school dances. I hate school dances Longest three fucking hours of my life Standing in a hot, humid cafeteria or gym, scanning over a makeshift dance floor, looking to nab dirty dancers or a drunkard amongst hundreds of horny teenagers who are literally jumping up and down while screaming the lyrics to some song being pumped out of a couple crappy speakers that are owned by the cheapest DJ the student council could find on their limited budget. Fucking school dances, and kids these days do not know how to dance. Granted, I never did the waltz or a tango at a school dance, but at least dancing in the 80s required some swaying and a little footwork. I mean, have you seen Kevin Bacon in Footloose Today, teenagers just jump up and down for three agonizing hours. I mean literally jump up and down and talk about smelly, though luckily, high schoolers have moved out of the Axe body spray phase, but still ugh Though.
Speaker 1:I have to tell you, when I supervised a school dance, I often found myself feeling like Marissa Hargitay's character, olivia Benson in Law and Order. I had my school badge, my earpiece attached to my walkie-talkie, a breathalyzer waiting in the office for the first perpetrator, and I wore a suit. However, I couldn't pull off Mariska's heel black boots. I tried to wear heeled shoes once to a school dance. The aftermath was brutal my feet and ankles swelled. I couldn't walk for the rest of the weekend, so I stuck with my good old tennis shoes after that, which, by the way, shoes are a whole nother story I need to tell you about someday. As for the suit, I kept wearing those, oh, let's see, I did a lot more. You know, working in a school requires you to wear many hats, most of which you never went to college to learn.
Speaker 1:I emceed a show, choir concert, and actually sang a duet with a colleague. Well, I volunteered him to sing a duet with a colleague. Well, I volunteered him to sing a duet with me before he could say no, we sang, I Can Do Anything you Can Do Better from Annie. Get your Gun. We were a little competitive. Anyway, I'm not sure he's ever forgiven me for that one. It was probably because I sang better than he did. I mean cause I could. Okay, moving on, let's see what else. Oh yeah, I organized graduations from setting up the stage to tearing it down. I mean literally setting up the stage. One time a fellow teacher and I had to crawl under the makeshift stage to hook the damn thing together so no one would fall down when they walked across it.
Speaker 1:I'm not sure where in the hell the custodians were for that one, and I listened patiently and I mean patiently, even though I was repeatedly told throughout my career at my yearly evaluations to work on my skills of patience. What the fuck people? I have a master's degree in counseling. I mean I listened intently to those needing to be heard. I never raised my voice once to a screaming or crying teacher, administrator, cook, bus driver, nurse or secretary. Yes, all those types of employees were in my office screaming or crying at one time or another while I sat patiently listening to their woes. God help me. Luckily, most of those people thanked me once they got through whatever type of tantrum they were having. By the way, I never yelled at a colleague, student or parent Never. I may have yelled in my head, but never out loud. Okay, I only yelled across the cafeteria if it looked like a kid was going to get hurt, but I used my mom voice.
Speaker 1:I raised boys. I have a good mom voice and I always checked on the kid I had to yell at to make sure they were okay, and afterwards I always told the kid I was not mad at them because I wasn't. I never wasted energy on getting mad at a kid. Kids are dumb. They have zero impulse control and look at our world. They have terrible role models. It would be very hard to be a kid. Today, adults, we got to do better.
Speaker 1:And, of course, I met with hundreds and hundreds of parents to talk about all sorts of things through the years, and one parent who should have worn underwear or zipped up their pants before sitting down in front of me, or zipped up their pants before sitting down in front of me Role models, right? Yeah, I'm not kidding on that last one. Like I said, yeah, can't make this shit up, sorry, mom. As for the parent needing to invest in a new pair of pants or underwear, I could have handled that situation in multitude of ways. I chose to take the high road as best I could. You see, I never knew what a school day was going to throw my way, and this was one of those days that I could never have predicted.
Speaker 1:The man was actually the grandfather who, by default, had to raise his grandchild. He didn't do a very good job the first time around, so he was going to try harder with this one. He struggled to get the kid to school and he knew that if he didn't get the kid to school, he would be arrested for his grandchild's truancy. While I wanted to burst out laughing I mean, the man's penis was showing. I kept my eyes focused on the man's face and together we came up with a plan of support for his grandchild.
Speaker 1:A colleague and I actually went to the man's apartment and helped wake this kid up on days when the guy couldn't get the kid out of bed. The kid, by the way, used an old backseat from a car as a bed that was set up in the living room. No wonder the child was tired. The kid never hesitated to get up. Once we got there, the kid would pop up off his makeshift bed and run to the bathroom, still wearing his whitey tighties, and get changed. Oddly, he was never embarrassed. I think he was a little relieved that someone actually cared for him. Of course, my colleague and I would always give him a little breakfast and a drive back to school after his grandfather thanked us.
Speaker 1:So while as crazy as this story sounds I mean a guy walks into a school with his penis showing Now that's the start of a bad joke, don't you think? Anyway, I believe most educators do go above and beyond to help kids find success beyond the classroom, and working in a public school can be tough. There's a reason teacher contracts add the phrase duties as a sign, because if every future teacher knew about all the little extra duties they'll be required to do, who in the hell would sign up? Then again, I stuck it out for a long, long time. And no, I don't care what Ms Halsey said, it wasn't about June, july and August. I'm not sure why I stuck it out. It sure wasn't for the retirement gifts. Oh wait, if you didn't know, I retired twice. The first time I retired, I met the state's requirement age of 55. And, me being me, I had a new job within three months. Maybe I did like working in education, who knows? But I do know I can't wait to share more stories with you. Well, kids, the dismissal bell is ringing, so until next time on.
Speaker 1:Vice Principal on Office, push in your chair, put your name on your paper, be kind to your classmates, put your phone away and use your indoor voice, or not. I hope you enjoyed the first episode of Vice Principal on Office and the story shared as much as I enjoyed sharing with you. Thanks for listening and remember life is short. So you got to do the best you can to leave the world in a little better place than it was when you got here and, of course, for the love of God, try to see the humor in life. I promise you it's more fun and a little easier to get through the itch with a smile on your face. Trust me, I'd be an expertly ripened bartender, you know, like a vintage whiskey, but with an extra bite, if I hadn't smiled through the egg. Catch you next time on.
Speaker 1:Vice Principal on Office. Next week on Vice Principal on Office. Join me as I open up my history book to provide you a brief and humorous history lesson on the American public education system and how changes needed in this system can take a long, long time and are often driven by people who have no training in K-12 education whatsoever, which can be maddening for those educators and for the long haul. Trust me, you don't want to miss it. Hey, students, I mean listeners. Thanks again for tuning in and if you've enjoyed today's show, please leave me a review. It really helps grow the show. And don't forget to hit the follow button so you don't miss an episode. Trust me, you don't want to be late for this detention. And, listeners, if you've got a school story of your own that you'd like to share with Vice Principal and Office, I'd love to hear it. Just head over to my podcast website and fan mail or email me your story and, who knows your story, might even get a shout out on a future episode. Thanks so much for listening and for your support.
Speaker 1:Vice Principal and Office is an independent podcast with everything you hear done by me, lisa Hill, and supported through Buzzsprout. Any information from today's show, along with any links and resources, are available in the show's notes. So if you want to do a little homework and dive deeper into anything I've mentioned, head over to my podcast website and check it out. And a big thank you to Matthew Chiam with Pixabay for the show's marvelous theme music. And, of course, a huge shout out to my mother. This podcast is for the purpose of entertainment only, like the recess of your day, and not a platform for debates about public education. Though you never know, you could learn something. And just a reminder that the stories shared in this podcast represent one lens which is based on my personal experiences and interpretations, and also reflect my unique perspective through humor. Named states and places have been changed or omitted to protect identities and should not be considered universally applicable. Until next time, keep laughing and learning.
