Vice Principal UnOfficed

Internal Affairs Not to Remember: The School Edition

Lisa Hill Season 1 Episode 12

Host Lisa Hill peeks into the world of school staff romance. Who knew the faculty handbook needed a section called School Staff Romance: What Not to Do? Turns out, while some staff stuck to their assigned duties—like, you know, teaching—others turned 'duties as assigned' into their own romantic elective. Extra credit, anyone?

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Speaker 1:

On this episode of Vice Principal in Office. Join me, your host, lisa Hill, as I peek into the world of school staff romance. Who knew the faculty handbook needed a section called School Staff Romance? What not to do Turns out, while some staff stuck to their assigned duties like you know, teaching others turned duties as assigned into their own romantic, elective Extra credit anyone. Anyway, let's get laughing and learning. Others turn duties as assigned into their own romantic elective Extra credit anyone. Anyway, let's get laughing and learning.

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Attention students, I mean listeners. The stories in this podcast are told from the host's personal and varsical point of view. All names and identifiers have been omitted or altered to protect identities. Now get to class and enjoy the show. Welcome back, folks. Are you ready for August? Because it sure looks like the school supply aisles at Target are. So you know what that means.

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The start of another school year is just around the corner. It's also that magical time of year when the building actually smells clean. School leaders are pacing the halls thinking this is the year I finally get ahead. Meanwhile, teachers are Pinterest deep in new instructional ideas that may or may not require 200 popsicle sticks per kid, and every coach from seventh grade to varsity is dreaming of their long-awaited winning season, unless, of course, it rains or the bus breaks down or Chad forgets his cleats again and the students Most, are holed up at home, curtains drawn, binging Netflix or gaming like it's a paid internship. Somewhere between episode 9 of Never have I Ever and hour 42 of Minecraft, I bet they finally had a tiny flicker of thought. Wait, when does school start again? But don't worry that panic will hit hard the moment students realize it's August and they haven't changed out of pajama pants since June. Of course, those same pajama pants will magically become their daily school uniform once the excitement of the new school year wears off. But for now, the spark of the new school year is starting to flicker in their adolescent brains, even if it's buried under Cheeto dust and a half-charged controller.

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I myself still get that little spark of excitement as the first day of school draws near, right up until I remember lunch duty. That's usually when the spark dims a bit and, let's not forget, every new school year brings a fresh round of school romances. There's something about those three months off during the summer that makes people come back feeling bold or refreshed, or maybe even ready to take a chance on something or someone new. Maybe that's because they've had a glow up, or maybe just a haircut. Either way, it's suddenly reality TV level flirting in the teacher's lounge. Honestly, to me, school romance is kind of like watching a PG version of one of those relationship reality TV shows. Think Love Island, love is Blind, the Bachelor or even the Real Love Boat Though if I had to pick, I'd go with the original Love Boat. You just can't beat that classic charm.

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Do you remember the TV show the Love Boat? I'm guessing quite a few listeners out there don't. Well, it was one of those classic shows my sister and I loved to watch back in the late 1970s and early 80s. Of course, we loved the Carol Burnett show even more, but once that ended we grew to embrace our new Saturday night lineup Love Boat, followed by Fantasy Island, and then we'd wrap up the night with Saturday Night Live Jane Curtin, gilda Radner, lorraine Newman and the rest of the cast.

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If you've never seen an episode of the Love Boat, go stream it somewhere. Watching it in 2025 will probably leave you wondering what in the hell was going on in this show. Well, a lot of sexual innuendos and some truly bad acting. Ah, nostalgia. The world was definitely different before the invasion of reality tv, but tuning into the love boat gives you a window into how life actually looked during those fun decades Giant, hairsprayed, permed hair sitting on top of shoulder pads that seemed to grow at the same rate as the hair itself. Gender didn't matter. Big hair and big shoulder pads were a must. Life back then was like a sparkling disco ball spinning its last groovy turn before getting hit by a colorful Rubik's Cube, and somehow everyone believed duct tape could fix just about anything.

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Now where was I? Oh yeah, every Saturday night, my sister and I would plop down in front of the TV ready to sing along with Jack Jones as he crooned the Love Boat theme song. The song was written by Charles Fox and Paul Williams. It started out with a low swirl of violins that gracefully crescendoed into lyrics about how quote love is exciting and new, so come aboard, we're expecting you. End quote.

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The storylines were always romantic. Every week, guest stars would struggle to find or keep love. Week, guest stars would struggle to find or keep love. But 45 minutes later everyone got their fairy tale ending, usually thanks to the help from the Love Boat crew Gopher, julie, doc, isaac, the captain and eventually Vicki. Just watch the show and you'll see. Watch the show and you'll see.

Speaker 1:

That theme song and the show itself were so popular they caused a huge surge in the cruise ship industry. Seriously, forbes magazine reported that the love boat turned cruising into a mainstream phenomenon. I've been on a cruise a few times myself and I had a really good time. Of course, that was helped along by the endless drip of alcohol. And here's something I found interesting the Love Boat series helped spark reality dating shows like the Real Love Boat.

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Jay Byenstock, the executive producer of the Real Love Boat, said the reality show aimed to capture the nostalgic, heartwarming essence of the original Love Boat series, with romantic settings, cruise ship adventures and the pursuit of love. If you watch any love reality show, you'll notice tributes to the old Love Boat, tropical backdrops, plenty of alcohol, lots of flirting and maybe, just maybe, some real love. Seriously, though, go stream the damn show, but be warned that theme song will get stuck in your head as an earworm on unless replay. Yeah, the Love Boat's theme song is one of those songs. Replay, yeah, the Love Boat's theme song is one of those songs. The original Love Boat series ended after my first year of teaching in 1986 and officially docked with the final TV movie in 1987, the same year I met my husband.

Speaker 1:

But what really stuck with me wasn't just the show, it was that damn theme song. It still pops into my head every time I witness a new school staff romance. That's because those romances always seem to fit the love boat vibe exciting and new. But let me tell you, while those school romances may have been thrilling to watch, most ended up feeling less like classic TV and more like today's chaotic love reality shows, you know, exhausting, confusing and often leaving you wondering should anyone even be watching this? Especially my mother, lisa M? Trust me, mom, I don't think you'd approve of today's love reality shows. I'm pretty sure you've never seen one, since you pretty much live on News TV, wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. But if you do, then you understand why I titled this episode Internal Affairs, not to Remember the School Edition. Of course I really wanted to call this episode. Hey, hr, you missed a key chapter in the faculty handbook staff romances, what not to do. Because school isn't a TV show, even if it feels like one. Because it does, folks, it really does.

Speaker 1:

So before I get too far into this episode, I want to say that there are, and always have been, school staff romances with happy endings, just like on the show the Love Boat. These romances usually start with a strong friendship that blossom into the real deal. They're the kind of romances that are. When that happens, it actually makes the whole school feel happier. Unfortunately, I didn't see many of those fairy tale romances during my time, but when I did they were magical, so magical in fact, they made me want to belt out Ever Ever After, like Carrie Underwood. You know that finale song from Enchanted. I love the movie and I love that song, and yes, I'm pretty sure I do sound like Carrie when I'm singing along in my car. Anyway, I wish all love could be like that, because those real, lasting romances brought joy to the whole building. But then, of course, there are the other school romances.

Speaker 1:

When I first started teaching I was a bit naive about the fact that adults could have affairs while on the job. I'm not sure why. I guess my world had been pretty small and sheltered before I graduated college. Sure, I knew there were college professors who dated students. Back then it happened and most people just looked the other way. But now society calls out that behavior loudly. It's no longer seen as questionable. It's inappropriate, unethical and often career-ending, and rightly so. A professor dating a student is clearly misuse of power. But adult-colleague relationships, that was a different story. Adults can make their own decisions and back then if two colleagues were dating or sneaking around, it took a while for anyone to find out.

Speaker 1:

I think part of what kept me in the dark during those early years was how much slower information traveled Without social media. Everything unfolded at a much more gradual pace. Our version of going viral was a note passed in class or a whispered call on the kitchen landline. If you wanted to stay in the loop as a teacher, you had two options Make it to the staff lounge during lunch or hit Friday happy hour with your colleagues. That's where the real updates were shared. Gossip didn't explode back then, it leaked. So when it came to secret school romances, or any romance, it usually took days, sometimes even weeks, before the news made the rounds. Took days, sometimes even weeks, before the news made the rounds.

Speaker 1:

That said, as a young teacher, I truly believe that people who chose to work in K-12 schools always played by the rules and made good choices. That's what my parents modeled for me, and they weren't even teachers. I'm sure they made mistakes and the occasionally bad choice they're human. But I don't think my parents made bad choices that hurt people or disrupted a learning or work environment. Over time, though, I learned not all K-12 educators are on the up and up. I know you're probably laughing, so riddle me this, ted Lasso. Why would someone who chose to work with kids for a living turn around and model bad behavior right in front of those kids? The answer I have no freaking clue. I just don't get it. Like, why choose to get involved in a school staff romance that could turn the whole school upside down, unless it's true love, true love, yeah, that's okay.

Speaker 1:

Honestly, at the beginning of my career, most school romances caught me totally by surprise and my colleagues would say you didn't see the signs. Nope, I'm good at spotting clues when students are selling drugs or a staff member stealing money, or a teacher lies about why they're late. Drugs, or a staff member stealing money or a teacher lies about why they're late. But clues about adults having affairs? Nope, I just don't see it, because in my mind, stuff like that shouldn't happen at school because it can be disruptive. Well, neither should any of the other shit. But it happens, and it seems to all the time. When I finally did hear gossip about a staff romance, I'd come home and tell my husband how shocked I was. He'd just remind me again of my naivete. We'd laugh and agree that life is way too exhausting to sneak in an affair on top of everything else we had going on in our busy lives. I do love that guy. By the way. Feel free to check out our wedding picture on the Vice Principal Unauficed website. I swear I haven't aged a bit.

Speaker 1:

One year I started a new job and I asked a colleague if two particular teachers had recently gotten married. I mean, they acted like newlyweds. My colleague just chuckled and explained that these two cuddle muffins weren't married. Nope, they were having a very public affair. Their romance had started shortly after they met at school. The sad part one of the cuddle muffins was married to someone who also worked at the same school.

Speaker 1:

But being married and working with kids didn't stop their fireworks display. Eventually, both divorced their spouses so they could be together. Maybe it was true love. Yet for some reason the cuddle muffins didn't tie the knot right away, even though they were free to do so. Tie the knot right away even though they were free to do so. My colleagues joke that the reason they didn't marry was because marriage would kill the intensity of their romance, if you get what I mean. Seriously, these two behaved like a couple of hormonal teenagers, which honestly was kind of gross. Their urge to be together even pled into their lunchtime routine, would you believe. The cuddle muffins each sat at opposite corners of the teacher lounge table so they could stare into each other's eyes while feeding one another. I'm pretty sure there was a good game of footsie going on under the table too. Pretty sure there was a good game of footsie going on under the table too.

Speaker 1:

Halfway through the year my colleagues who had their duty-free lunch at the same time as the cuddle muffins grew fed up with the daily fork and flirt feast. So they hatched a plan. On an agreed date they rushed to the teacher's lounge and grabbed opposite corners of the big table before the cuttle muffins arrived. They hoped to disrupt the couple's public display of affection lunch routine. For at least one day. I wasn't there because I was stuck with lunch duty. But I eventually heard the look on the cuttle muffins' faces when they found their favorite seats taken was priceless.

Speaker 1:

But wait, it gets better Not to be deterred. The Cuddle Muffins moved their fork and flirt feast to the school weight room and, me being me, I accidentally walked in on their little rendezvous after lunch. Duty Gross Nothing like dessert after lunch. And, yes, this was grosser than lunch. Duty Hold on. This story gets even better.

Speaker 1:

Still undeterred, the Cuddle Muffins started driving their new RV to work and parking it behind the school building. I don't know if they thought the rest of us were stupid or just didn't care, but they'd often sneak off to the RV during their duty-free lunch or planning time. The joke around the school If the RV was rocking, don't bother knocking Again gross. As for the Cuddle Muffins, they did eventually get married Double gross. But wait, I've got another story that I think is even grosser, more gross, grossest, triple gross, whatever you want to call it. I totally missed the social cues of this next school affair and, honestly, I think most of my colleagues did too. We only found out about this romance because of a scorned spouse who I'll call the vengeful vow keeper. Wait a minute Before I dive in.

Speaker 1:

You should know that this was back when schools were seen as safe public places. People could literally walk in off the street during school hours and roam freely without anyone batting an eye. Kids played outside without an adult in sight, and, for the most part, people tolerated each other, regardless of political beliefs, religion, gender or class. Yes, hatred and evil existed, but those who showed pure hatred were often seen as just plain stupid. Somewhere along the way, though, hatred became more accepted thanks to social media. I'm not sure why social media can't flip back to being kind. Remember if you know better, you do better. Then again, stupid is as stupid does Right Forrest. Okay, back to the story.

Speaker 1:

One day, the vengeful vow keeper stormed into the school with a vengeance and a cardboard box in hand. They then made their way down the hall to a classroom of their spouse's adulterer, which, of course, was filled with kids trying to learn. Then they entered the classroom with the cardboard box. You really have to hate someone to unleash your revenge in front of children, because the students did not miss a thing. Once inside, the vengeful vow keeper began shouting obscenities about adultery at the teacher. Of course, this was loud enough for the whole room, and probably school, to hear. The teacher and students were completely shocked. This wasn't something you see every day in a school. It was one of those moments where your brain can't process the crazy scene playing out before you fast enough to react. By the time the teacher responded, the whole incident was basically over, except for the cleanup. Cleanup, you ask. While hurling insults, the vengeful vow keeper dumped the contents of that mysterious cardboard box all over the classroom floor. So not only were the students learning some very colorful vocabulary, they were also staring at an assortment of shoes and sex toys scattered everywhere.

Speaker 1:

After what felt like an eternity for everyone involved, the vengeful vow keeper finally finished their rant and marched out of the classroom and school. But here's the kicker the vengeful vow keeper somehow had one shoe from every pair in the teacher's closet, like ten shoes total. No idea how. And the sex toys? I don't know who those belong to, but I'm pretty sure the vengeful vow keeper tossed them in for a dramatic effect, or maybe not, who knows? See why I say you can't make this shit up, because you just really can't. Oh, lisa, I can't. Even you wanted to be here, mom. Maybe you shouldn't listen to the rest of this episode. This is exactly the kind of stuff that used to make me super uncomfortable talking about with you when I was a kid and honestly it still kind of does. But hey, feel free to stick around if you want. So what happened after the vengeful vow keepers short, strange and absolutely unforgettable classroom meltdown about the star-crossed lovers? Your guess is as good as mine. Honestly, I kind of wish I'd had front row seats for the divorce proceedings, popcorn included, like who got custody of the sex toys? And did the teacher ever get back the shoes so they could finally make a matching pair? Because, come on, mismatched shoes are a crime. Anyway, school staff romances are messy and, spoiler alert they definitely don't just happen between teachers.

Speaker 1:

I've worked for a few loving leaders who thought school staff romances were their side hustle. Luckily, these ding-dongs didn't last too long on the job. In fact, a few of these loving leaders seemed to perfect their side hustle Start a fling, then cash out with a fat severance package, all while having a shiny new job lined up to, which these loving leaders would then rinse and repeat across multiple districts. There was also the charming Casanova who didn't even bother hiding their affairs. Word was, if this person rolled into your town, you'd better get a GPS on your spouse. And who can forget the convoluted colleague who threw down as if in a full-on bar brawl with their new school romance. Outside the town bar, the local news caught wind of the ruckus and broadcast the lover spat on the evening news. The next day they walked into school acting like they had just aced a pop quiz. Of course, this was also the same person who once left students unattended during a tornado warning. Not a drill, a legit. Take cover now or get blown away tornado warning. Blown away tornado warning why? Because they wanted to get their fancy sports car to shelter Duh.

Speaker 1:

As for the internal affairs themselves teacher to teacher, principal to secretary, custodian to whatever the school playground has nothing on school drama, but, honestly, all this affair drama sounds exhausting. I'm lucky to make it through a normal day. I don't need extra angst. Boring is good for me. I've always believed that eventually karma sneaks up on people and slams them to the ground for their bad behavior, but for some folks karma just seems to skip right past them. Me, I've never been that lucky. Karma always shows up and, honestly, it's probably going to throw me on my ass just for sharing my weird, wacky and wild school stories, especially the ones about school staff romances. That said, I struggled to accept those school staff romances that turned school life upside down. I mean, come on, people working in K-12 public schools are hired to teach and care for taxpayers' children. Sure, I'm all for having a little fun at school, but what goes through someone's brain to think they can start a forbidden romance on the job? Clearly, people do strange things when they're in love, or at least think they are in love. Honestly, I think it's mostly lust.

Speaker 1:

I recently read an article by Scott Edwards, a freelance writer for Harvard Medical School. It was about love's effect on the brain. Edwards interviewed two Harvard professors, olds and Schwartz, who spent years researching this. Professor Olds explained that being lovestruck releases high levels of dopamine, the chemical that lights up a person's reward system. It makes love feel pleasurable, kind of like the euphoria you get from cocaine or alcohol. Professor Schwartz added that when people fall in love, their cortisone levels rise while serotonin levels drop. Low serotonin can trigger intrusive maddening thoughts. So when someone's newly in love, they often experience both intense desire and anxiety about the romance. The article also noted that new love can deactivate certain neural pathways in the brain. When that happens, negative emotions can take over and cloud social judgment. So when someone's neural pathways shut down, they might make some pretty questionable decisions at the start of a romance. In other words, love is blind, or, as Shakespeare wrote, but love is blind and lovers cannot see the pretty follies that themselves commit. For if they could, cupid himself would blush. And after everything I've seen, that makes total sense, because some school staff romances could definitely make Cupid blush.

Speaker 1:

Toward the end of my career, I finally started noticing subtle signs of school affairs. Small things like two teachers who had never interacted suddenly sitting next to each other at every single staff meeting, or staff members who were always touching, whether it was a pat on the arm, a hand on a shoulder or their legs glued together while sitting side by side. Then there were those entanglements where the new lovebirds suddenly stopped talking to each other altogether and went out of their way to avoid each other, trying to keep their secret love hidden. These were what I found to be new, odd behaviors that occurred between people who were clearly attracted to one another.

Speaker 1:

If you're not sure what I mean, think back to when you had your first boyfriend or girlfriend as a teenager. You felt bubbly inside, wanted to be with that person 24-7, and your hormones were raging so much that sometimes you couldn't think straight. The mere touch of your significant other sent tingling waves of warmth and passion throughout your body. That's the kind of feeling that fuels staff affairs or, honestly, any affair. Of course, I say all this in speculation, because my husband and I have been together for 38 years and married for almost 35 of those years, and yet I still get that spark of warmth and passion every time he holds my hand. Holding hands with him still feels like it did when we first met in 1987. It's a feeling I never want to lose and I think he feels the same way, even if I drive him crazy at times. So, like I said earlier, I can understand a school staff romance when it's true love. You know that kind of love so deep that your partner could have a big old booger hanging out of their nose and you'd still kiss them, then lovingly wipe it away. That's the kind of love I get. I think that's the kind of love most people want.

Speaker 1:

I once worked in a building where true love actually found its way At the start of this particular romance. These staff members would mysteriously go missing during the school day, probably on their break time or perhaps their planning time. Yep, planning time strikes again. If you remember, in episode 11, planning time is that sacred slice of the day meant for teachers to reset and prepare for upcoming lessons. Honestly, I could do a whole episode on the misuse of planning time, but I'll save that for another day. Anyway, these staff members kept disappearing around the same time every day. No one knew where they were going until someone finally discovered the lovebirds tucked away in the school auditorium. Apparently they had been sneaking in each day to hold hands and dance yes, dance reverently around the room, and I know this won't surprise you, but I pictured them twirling around like Beauty and the Beast. You know the scene the household objects have stuffed the Beast into his blue suit, belle is in her ball gown and music swirls as they glide across the ballroom floor. Yep, that's exactly where my mind went when I learned about this school dancing romance, but in my version, the love boat theme song was played in the background. Now, where was I All right?

Speaker 1:

This affair had an innocent start Well, if you overlook the whole ditching work part and it had a beautiful ending, because this wasn't just a fling. It turned out to be a true blue romance built on real love. The couple eventually got married. Thankfully, my career. Let me witness a few more school romances like that, ones that blossomed into the real deal and brought genuine joy to the whole building.

Speaker 1:

So you see, some school staff romances did have happy endings. Sure, they may have started off a little oddly, but they didn't leave behind chaos and casualties. They were more like an episode of the love boat A little quirky, a little heartwarming, and then wrapped up with a happily ever after. Unfortunately, those Love Boat style school romances the ones with happy endings and heart emojis didn't happen nearly as often as the crazy-ass ones. You now know the type Chaotic, drama-filled staff hookups that could be ripped straight from a reality dating show, though with Lady Gaga's Bad Romance playing in the background. Smart woman that Lady Gaga. I wonder what K-12 school she went to. Honestly, bad Romance should be the unofficial theme song for some of the emotionally tangled staff situationships I've witnessed over the years, because that song's not really about cheating. It's about falling for the wrong person, embracing the chaos and convincing yourself that passion is supposed to feel like a roller coaster with no seat belt.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I've seen plenty of school romances that weren't really scandalous so much as they were exhausting, full of big feelings, whispered hallway chats and just enough drama to make you consider switching to night school. These weren't love stories. They were cautionary tales with lesson plans, and when they crashed, oh, they crashed hard, and then the whole school got a front row seat to the soap opera. So there you have it Some school staff romances that left behind chaos and casualties and a few rare gems that actually had fairy tale endings. Because, when it's all said and done, don't we all just want that one person who loves us unconditionally, the one who sticks around for the happy ending? Maybe that's why messy school romances keep happening. People pick themselves up after heartbreak and try again, hoping this time they've found the one. But why do they keep looking at school? Well, I think that happens for two reasons. One, k-12 educators basically live at school. And two, just like the love boat and its iconic theme song taught us cue imaginary violin music School love, exhausting and cruel. Come aboard, we're assessing you. It's school love. Well, kids, the dismissal bell is ringing. So until next time on.

Speaker 1:

Vice Principal, unofficed, push in your chair, put your name on your paper. Be kind to your classmates. Put your name on your paper, be kind to your classmates, put your phone away and use your indoor voice, or not. Thanks for listening and I hope you enjoyed the tales from Vice Principal Unauficed as much as I enjoyed sharing them, and it is also my hope that you were not only entertained by this episode but that you walked away with a little nugget of knowledge that gave you some insight on how working in a school is not for the faint of heart. But, as I've said before, life is short, so you gotta do the best you can to leave the world in a better place than when you got here and, of course, for the love of God, see the humor in life. It's a lot more fun and a little easier to get through the ick in life with a smile on your face. Trust me, with what I've experienced throughout my career, I'd be like a road rage grandma, with the kind of wisdom you get from watching too many TikTok videos, if I hadn't smiled through the ick. Catch you next time on Vice Principal Unauficed.

Speaker 1:

Next time on Vice Principal Unauficed, grab your best pair of shoes and join me, your host Lisa Hill, on August 12th, as I share the unexpected drama of footwear requirements in school. Who would have guessed the wrong choice of shoes could derail an entire workday? Not me, but after some hilarious misadventures, I'm here to tell you I know better now. Until then, keep laughing and learning. Hey, students, I mean listeners. Thanks again for tuning in and if you've enjoyed today's show, please leave me a review. It really helps grow the show. And don't forget to hit the follow button so you don't miss an episode. The follow button so you don't miss an episode. Trust me, you don't want to be late for this detention. And, listeners, if you've got a school story of your own that you think would fit Vice Principal on Office, I'd love to hear it. Just head to my podcast website and send me your story and, who knows, your story might even get a shout out in a future episode. Thanks so much for listening and for your support.

Speaker 1:

Vice Principal on Office is an independent podcast with everything you hear done by me, lisa Hill, and supported through Buzzsprout. Any information from today's show, along with any links and resources, are available in the show's notes. So if you want to do a little homework and dive deeper into anything I've mentioned, head over to my podcast website and check it out. And a big thank you to Matthew Chiam with Pixabay for the show's marvelous theme music. And, of course, a huge shout out to my mother. This podcast is for the purpose of entertainment only like the recess of your day podcast is for the purpose of entertainment, only like the recess of your day, and not a platform for debates about public education. Though you never know, you could learn something. And just a reminder that the stories shared in this podcast represent one lens which is based on my personal experiences and interpretations, and also reflect my unique perspective through humor. Names, dates and places have been changed or omitted to protect identities and should not be considered universally applicable. Until next time, keep laughing and learning.

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