Vice Principal UnOfficed
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Join host Lisa Hill, a retired vice principal as she shares her funny, wild, and sometimes woeful public education school stories that will not only leave you feeling like you’re listening to a comedy special, but wondering how the American K12 educational system endures.
Hill is a former teacher, school counselor, college professor, and vice principal who never planned on having a career in education. But, thanks to her father, god rest his soul, she did!
So, listen in as Lisa Hill reveals the crazy and entertaining K12 school antics that she experienced during her lengthly career in public education And who knows? You might just pick up a little nugget of knowledge along the way.
Vice Principal UnOfficed
Mission Poopossible
Join host Lisa Hill as she tackles the tough topic of Mission Poopossible and how this personal act is like a high-stakes spy mission. The goal is to get in, get out, and remain unseen because if you don't quite achieve this mission, you will earn a whole new kind of fame that not even James Bond could achieve. So tighten up those ear pods and get laughing and learning!
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Get started today at Wheeze Tease.com. On this episode of Vice Principal on Office, join me, your host, Lisa Hill, as I tackle the tough topic of mission poop possible, and how this personal act is like a high-stakes by mission. The goal is to get in, get out, and remain unseen, because if you don't quite achieve this mission, you will earn a whole new kind of fame that not even James Bond could achieve. So tighten up those ear pods and let's get laughing and learning. Attention students, I mean listeners. The stories in this podcast are told from the host's personal and farcical point of view. All names and identifiers have been omitted or altered to protect identities. Now get to class and enjoy the show. Hello folks, welcome to episode 20 of Vice Principal Unofficed. That's right, 20 episodes of Laughter, Chaos, and the weird school stories that make you wonder how educators ever get through a day without requiring hazard pay. And I'm right there with you, because as we all know, just when I thought I'd seen it all, something I never saw coming happened, causing me to say, you just can't make this shit up. To which my mom, your favorite co-host and my favorite non-agenarian, that's a person who's in their 90s, responds with, Lisa Anne. Sorry mom, but I think everyone realizes by now. That is exactly what happens. Some strange incident that no one could predict would happen inside a K-12 public school happens. So today, to honor my tiny but mighty milestone of 20 episodes, I'm going to celebrate the only way I know how by diving headfirst into some of the unbelievable issues of poop in schools. But before I do that, I do want to take a moment and wish my mom a very happy birthday. My siblings and our families gathered at my mom's house to celebrate this special lady's 91st birthday. I can only hope and pray that I am able to live on my own, attend a book club, which I actually think is a ruse for her and her friends, to down a few bottles of wine when I am that age. You're lucky I love you, Lisa Anne. I'm sorry, Mom. I'll just say happy birthday and leave it at that. Now, where was I? Oh yeah. How weird the number of times, number two, twisted its way into the school story, I just couldn't make up. So I have to say that the subject of this episode is not something most educators talk about at a parent-teacher conference or even the neighborhood block party because it is simply not in the PD professional development handbook. But every single person who has ever worked in a school has at least one story, an incident, an accident, a mysterious hallway trail, a catastrophic discovery in the boys' bathroom that makes you question every life choice that led you to that moment. So settle in, take a deep breath, well, maybe not too deep, and let's dive into episode 20. To get started, let me tell you about one of my all-time favorite back to school moments. The year a teacher missed our required professional development because they were in Nova Scotia studying moose poop. Yes, I said it. Moose poop. While the rest of us were dragging ourselves into the building, trying to remember how to function as humans after summer break, this teacher was somewhere in the Canadian wilderness living their best national geographic life. And we were reviewing handbooks and practicing how to smile convincingly at the students who would soon grace our school doors. And they were analyzing moose droppings. Hey, we all make our own choices. Anyway. Nova Scotians were so concerned that their government created a recovery plan to boost the population by studying moose poop. Bet you didn't know that information, but thanks to that year's professional development, I do. Okay, moving on. I once worked at a school that had what I like to call an unexpected neighborhood. Behind our building, right next to the parking garage, there was this grassy wooded patch. Kind of peaceful until you realized it had become prime real estate for several homeless individuals who had set up camp. Now let me be clear. Homelessness is heartbreaking. Seeing people struggle like that always gets to me. But I will say, their creativity was unmanaged. These folks built a camp nicer than some of the college dorm rooms I've seen, my sons included. They had tents, furniture, and I kid you not, a TV. And because a TV needs power, of course they ran an extension cord straight to our school's outdoor outlet like it was the most natural thing in the world. Just plugged right into the building as if to say, thank you, public education system, for your service. But the real surprise came when we discovered they had also crafted their own. Wait for it makeshift porta potty in our parking garage stairwell. Basement level. The level nobody parked on. Apparently they thought, why not? It's quiet, it's private, and it has stairs. They used a bucket and some cut-out cardboard for a seat. A true DIY masterpiece. And honestly, engineering-wise, I think an engineering teacher would have given them a solid B plus. The structure was stable, the design was intentional, and the creativity was undeniable. Maybe even a B plus with honors for sheer commitment. Of course, no one knew about this porta potty until spring rolled around. And so did the smell. Winter had been doing us a kindness by freezing everything solid. But the minute the temperature rose, that stairwell transformed into a sauna of regret. Nothing says, welcome back from spring break, like stepping out of your car and getting hit with a warm breeze of a mystery that makes you question every life choice that led you to work in a school. Naturally, I did exactly what we were trained to do when we spotted a potential security issue. I called the district security office. In hindsight, that might have been a little too optimistic. The response was slow. Not busy day slow. More like, I think they're still on dial up internet slow. And when our very own cousin Eddie style security guard finally wandered in, you remember him, don't you? Episode 19? The guy who once left the master key in the front door? Well, he strolled up with a big smile, big confidence, and absolutely no idea what was going on. He's the kind of guy who'd show up in a too small uniform, hands on his hips, ready to help, but completely unprepared for what he was about to witness. He stared at the bucket setup the way people stare at modern art, concerned, but also trying to understand the deeper meaning. Eventually, he called operations because we needed someone with proper PPE, personal protective equipment, and maybe emotional support. As I stood there inhaling the Eau de Toilette disaster and watching the operations team suit up like they were entering Chernobyl, I realized one thing. So now you probably understand why I titled this episode Mission Poop Possible. Of course, I really wanted to call this episode a thorough standards aligned research-supported investigation into the many varieties of poop-related emergencies that have no business appearing in an administrator's job description did. See why I'm telling you people? Don't worry, Mom. Shit is what happens and is what this episode is all about. Which means it's time for me to share another odd but rather entertaining mission, poop possible tale. So naturally, kids have accidents and do crazy weird things. But because I'm me, my poop stories also involved the adults I worked with. Case in point. One morning, after teacher professional development, the popcorn princess and I were wheeling a cart of leftover cinnamon rolls down to the teacher lounge. You remember the popcorn princess? I talked about her in episode 10. She's the one who set off the fire alarm on an extremely cold day while making microwave popcorn. And she's the one who also changed board policy forever. If you don't remember that story or want to relive it, check out episode 10. Hold on. Before I get too far into this mess of a story, let me clarify something. Providing tasty treats to teachers trapped in professional development is not just appreciated. It's survival. Teachers do not get many perks during the school year. So a cinnamon roll drowning in icing? That's basically Beyoncé of PD snacks. Cookies? Appreciated. Ice cream sundae bar? Revered. Dinner during parent-teacher conferences? That's how you earn teacher loyalty for life. Honestly, I'm convinced K-12 educators eat their feelings, and frankly, with what they deal with, they've earned every last calorie. Wait, where was I? Oh, right. As the popcorn princess and I wheeled the cart down the hallway, we greeted students and nodded at teachers heading into their first period classrooms. We were only a few feet away from the teacher lounge when I noticed small brown balls in a jagged little trail leading right up to the lounge door. I pointed them out to the popcorn princess. We quickly realized we were not looking at chunks of mud or Oreo balls. These were round, unmistakable nuggets of poop. I steered the cart carefully around the evidence and parked it outside the lounge. The popcorn princess and I then stepped into the room like we were entering a crime scene. The lounge was empty. The teacher bathroom was empty. But there was a clear trail of poop nuggets leading straight to the bathroom door. The popcorn princess began to gag so hard she nearly lost her cinnamon roll. I burst out laughing, partly because she was gagging and partly because, in all my years, a poop breadcrumb trail was a first for me. After a few what in the actual hell moments, we backed out of that nugget-infested lounge, rolled the cinnamon rolls into a teacher's classroom nearby, and said, have at it. Then I immediately called the custodian. To this day, I have no idea who the poop nugget bandit was or how something like that even happened right before school started in a busy hallway with witnesses everywhere. And yet, somehow, no one saw a thing. I think it's fair to say that I've seen things in schools, including poop-related things, that no teacher prep program could have ever prepared me for. There was the kid who actually ate poop. That was a fun phone call home. Nothing prepares you for saying, Hi, this is the school. Your child is fine, physically, but we need to talk about some choices they made today. Then there was the kid who dropped their pants, peed outside like they were watering the lawn in their own house. No shame, no hesitation, no awareness that we were standing right there watching the entire thing unfold. I guess when you gotta go, you really gotta go. And my personal favorite category: the kids who take off all their clothes to poop. Every single stitch. Just like George Costanza and Seinfeld. If you've never watched that show, you should. It's basically a masterclass and how stupid everyday life can be. Frankly, it feels very on brand for the stupid things I've watched kids do while working in public education. You know, the whole mission poop possible vibe of my career. And yet, I was still caught off guard by the adult behaviors. Oh, the adults and their bathroom drama. Let me tell you about another colleague I once worked with. This person could handle fights, angry parents, discipline issues, all the daily chaos, but absolutely could not do their bathroom business at school. Never, not once. The staff restroom might as well have had a sign on it that said, Do not enter personal panic zone. So, this colleague created an entire self-designed evacuation system. Every morning, they'd park their car in one specific spot that allowed a silent, unnoticed getaway, tucked behind a pillar, half in the shade, practically camouflaged like they were prepping for a covert CIA extraction instead of a school day. And when nature called, their secret system activated. A casual stroll out of the school, a smooth slide into the perfectly positioned getaway car, a quick drive home to handle the situation, and then a seamless return, slipping back inside like nothing unusual had happened at all. And here's the best part. They never told anyone about this system except me. Because for some reason, people love to share the strangest, most bizarre details of their lives with me. I'm like a magnet for confession no administrator training program ever prepared me for. You should see me at the checkout line at the grocery store. I'm just standing there with a loaf of bread and some yogurt, minding my own business, and suddenly the person behind me is telling me about their divorce, their bunion surgery, and the time they got arrested in college. I don't ask for it, I just show up and the confessions start flowing like it's aisle 7 and therapy hour. As for my colleague, there were no questions, no clues, no suspicion from anyone. Just me carrying around this classified gastrointestinal intel like it was part of my job description. Honestly, the precision was remarkable. Forget strategic planning. This was gastrointestinal logistics executed with military grade accuracy. If educators got bonuses for creative problem solving, that colleague would have earned one for architecting this operation. We may have reached the point in this episode where you're thinking, surely she can't have another mission poop possible story. Oh my friends, I absolutely do. Allow me to introduce to you the associate who treated our office restroom like it was the VIP lounge at an airport. This person was slightly odd, not in a harmful way, just in that mysterious stranger who appears in documentaries about people who live under assumed identities kind of way. They never spoke to anyone in the office, not once. Not a hello, not a nod, not even a polite half smile. Nothing. Total radio silence. But every single day, at the exact same time, they would walk straight into the office, glide past the front desk staff like they were invisible, and head directly to the office restroom. Then, after completing whatever highly classified mission they were on, they would exit just as silently and disappear down the hallway. And here's the kicker. This person passed at least three other perfectly good bathrooms on the way to Ars. Three. It was like watching someone bypass three Starbucks only to walk into a gas station for coffee. That level of commitment takes purpose. At first, the office staff and I thought maybe the associate needed something in the office. You know, like paperwork, supplies, a quick question. But nope. It was purely bathroom business. Their own personal daily pilgrimage to the office throne. I worked in that building for years. Years. And I never heard a single word from this person. Not one syllable. Never even learned their voice. For all I know, they communicated exclusively through bathroom door locks and quiet footsteps. And every day, same time, same quiet footsteps, I catch a glimpse of that associate and think, well, the restroom ranger has arrived for another mission. And that, my friends, brings us to the end of this unforgettable tour through the educational underworld I lovingly call Mission Poop Possible. Today we ventured far beyond lesson plans and district initiatives and straight into the trenches, or in some cases, the stairwell, the hallway, the lounge, and the Canadian wilderness. We started with the teacher studying moose poop in Nova Scotia, because apparently professional development comes in many forms. And sometimes those forms are pellet-shaped. Then we waded into the saga of the DIY portapotty in the parking garage stairwell, complete with Cousin Eddie Energy operations in hazmat gear, and me discovering I do not, in fact, get paid a biohazard bravery bonus. From there, we followed the trail, literally, of the mysterious poop nuggets leading to the teacher lounge, where the popcorn princess nearly lost her breakfast, and I discovered that educators really have seen it all. And if that wasn't enough, we dove into the bathroom logistics of the colleague who built a covert escape and return system like they were starring in a gastrointestinal spy thriller. Because nothing says dedicated school employee like planning your day around a stealth bathroom evacuation. And finally, we met the bathroom ninja, the silent, mysterious figure who passed three perfectly good restrooms just to grace ours with their presence day after day after day without a single word. Truly a masterclass and commitment. All that being said, if you came into this episode thinking school leadership was all about meetings, memos, and monitoring the hallways, well surprise. Sometimes it's all about poop. Literal poop, figurative poop, administrative poop, emotional poop, the whole spectrum. And no matter how many degrees you earn, certifications you take, or PD sessions you endure, nothing. Absolutely nothing prepares you for the day you say, Why is there a trail of poop leading to the lounge? Or please explain why there is a bucket toilet in the stairwell. Or is my colleague really running a covert bathroom mission? Thank you for joining me on this glamorous, fragrant, and wildly educational journey through the parts of school life no one warned you about. If today's episode made you laugh, cringe, or say, Oh my god, same. Please follow the show, share it with someone who's also seen some things, and leave a review. Preferably not one written on the bucket in a stairwell. And remember, in education, every day is an adventure. Every hallway holds a secret, every bathroom has a story. And at any moment, you too might find yourself on a mission poop possible. Until next time, stay brave, stay curious, and may all your school days be far less messy than mine. Well, kids, the dismissal bell is ringing, so until next time on Vice Principal and Office, push in your chair, put your name on your paper, be kind to your classmates, put your phone away, and use your indoor voice. Or not, thanks for listening. And I hope you enjoyed the tales from Vice Principal and Office as much as I enjoyed sharing them. And it is also my hope that you were not only entertained by this episode, but that you walked away with a little nugget of knowledge that gave you some insight on how working in a school is not for the faint of heart. And as I've said before, life is short, so you gotta do the best you can to leave the world in a better place than when you got here. And of course, for the love of God, see the humor in life. It's a lot more fun and a little easier to get through the ickin life with a smile on your face. Catch you next time on Vice Principal in Office. Next time on Vice Principal and Office, I'm giving the spotlight to the unsung heroes of every school, the custodians. And trust me, these are not your average mop and bucket stories. It's a behind-the-scenes, room closet level look at the characters who keep our schools running. Slowly, loudly, and sometimes while wearing pajamas. Tune in on December 2nd for laughter, chaos, and the kind of custodian karaoke you never forget. Hey students, I mean listeners, thanks again for tuning in. And if you've enjoyed today's show, please leave me a review. It really helps grow the show. And don't forget to hit the follow button so you don't miss an episode. Trust me, you don't want to be late for this detention. And listeners, if you've got a school story of your own that you think would fit Vice Principal on Office, I'd love to hear it. Just head to my podcast website and send me your story. And who knows, your story might even get a shout-out in a future episode. Thanks so much for listening and for your support. Vice Principal on Office is an independent podcast with everything you hear done by me, Lisa Hill, and supported through Buzzprout. Any information from today's show, along with any links and resources, are available in the show's notes. So if you want to do a little homework and dive deeper into anything I've mentioned, head over to my podcast website and check it out. And a big thank you to Matthew Chiam with Pixabay for the show's marvelous theme music. And of course, a huge shout out to my mother. This podcast is for the purpose of entertainment only, like the recess of your day, and not a platform. For debates about public education. Well, you never know. You can learn something. And just a reminder that the stories shared in this podcast represent one lens, which is based on my personal experiences and interpretations, and also reflect my unique perspective through humor. Names, dates, and places have been changed or admitted to protect identities and should not be considered universally applicable. Until next time, keep laughing and learning
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